I know I have been quite open about my life lately and while you may not care (but I know you do), it is cathartic for me to let go of some past emotions, baggage if you will.
I have an innate sense of fear that I am working on releasing, and part of letting fear go is confronting the things I am afraid of and moving on from them. So here goes one….
I’ve tried to kill myself.
I mean, I had broken two nails. TWO!!!! Do you have any idea how much acrylic tips were then?
McDonald’s didn’t call me back for that job I TOTALLY wanted….I mean how else was I gonna pay for said acrylic nails?
All my friends had the latest name brand accessories – Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Coach – meanwhile, I was carrying some off brand leather bag, with NO CUTE TAG HANGING OFF!! (The horror!!)
(For the record, I know you aren’t supposed to joke about certain things, you know like suicide, but my favorite comedian once said, “I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the exaggeration is. What the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion.” (RIP George Carlin) There is not a lot of exaggeration here, but the situation is funny TO ME, as it helped me get through this rough time in my life.)
So, my sarcastic inner voice said to me (after the second failed attempt), ‘You know, you must REALLY suck. I mean, you can’t even kill yourself.”
No, really…….this is what she said to me, an angst ridden seventeen year old who saw the world as no place worth visiting anymore. (back of hand on forehead, looking forlorn kind of thing, like seriously I was uber dramatic, like after school special dramatic. Hmm, I may have missed my calling.)
So I sat there, looking at myself in the mirror, and busted out laughing.
Like side hurting, shedding tears, about to pee on yourself laughing.
Like, wow, as ridiculous as it sounds, it was true.
Except it wasn’t.
I didn’t suck.
Except for the whole not being able to kill myself part, cuz um yea, I did kinda suck at that.
And I found humor in the ridiculousness of it…..the exaggerated fact that yea I did suck at killing myself, because duh! I didn’t really want to die…I just wanted (fill in the blank) to stop or get better or whatever it was at the time. Like my purpose in life was bigger than I could comprehend at the time. (But of course I didn’t figure this out until MUCH later in life, and after many sessions on the couch. MANY sessions, like there should be a couch named after me or at the very least a pillow cushion with my name on it).
And as much as I LOVE helping others, I knew THEN that I should NEVER be a counselor or social worker for people in that mental state. I mean you see what my inner voice told me, how awful would it be if I said that to a broken person and sent them over the top to make sure they do it right next time? I NEVER want that on my conscience, so I leave counseling to the professionals, but the sarcastic commentary – well I offer it up for free to whomever can take it. 🙂
So now that you’ve decided to feel sorry for me, all the while laughing even though you don’t want to cuz like I said, suicide (failed or successful) isn’t funny, you may be wondering WHY I shared all of this with perfect strangers? Yea, well I’m kinda wondering too, but I think I wanted you to have some insight on where my voice comes from, and that FEAR will make you hold on to things that don’t matter anymore. I’ve been walking around with this, afraid of what people would think of me, because I had failed at something.
Don’t let fear keep you from being the best you can be.
Don’t be afraid of your voice, even if its a little sarcastic chick who says the wrong thing at the right time (or is it the right thing at the wrong time? either way you get the point.)
Find the humor in every situation, even if it isn’t supposed to be funny; this helps you to relax and face the situation without taking yourself too seriously.
It’s ok if others don’t get your humor. They don’t get your paycheck either and you’re fine with that, right?
And the old adage really is true – what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger!