But I Feel Fine

So many people out there are medicated, in an actual medical way. They take their meds to ward off voices, feelings and chemical imbalances. And they, we, feel better. Life moves easier for them, us, and we like it that way. Its ok to have some ups and downs, but the meds make the ride not so drastic.

So we do as we are told and take our meds and start feeling better.  And then it happens. The voice of (non) reason – I FEEL fine. I do not need to keep taking these pills.

Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

And that’s when the real fun begins. The roller coaster ride called life suddenly gets more loop de loops than before. And you, we, think its normal….until it isn’t. And then EVERYTHING is a severe crisis. And I do mean SEVERE. You start to live in a state of panic. And you aren’t sure why because you FEEL fine. Or so you thought. Those close to you ask how you are, and you say fine, while your inner voice is SCREAMING so loud you are surprised no one else can hear it. It is screaming out for some type of assistance and you, well you feel fine, so you ignore the voice. Then one day, out of nowhere, at the exact moment that you are looking past that little pill bottle, someone asks THE question – When was the last time you took your meds? Your face says it all…..though your mouth has poised itself to answer with the generic statement – What? Please, I feel fine. Your eyes however tell a very different story. They are lost, looking for someone, anyone to help them off this ride you have been on for days, weeks, months. It is utterly amazing how you have managed so long unmedicated. And then reality sets in and you say how you haven’t taken it in XX number of days/weeks/months because you feel fine. That is when you are reminded that you only feel fine because you take the medication.

It is such a sad ride we are on when we feel better because we take the little pill and then think that when it is all good we can stop taking it. Funny how we forget so quickly that the only reason we feel fine is because we took the pill…..and we can’t stop taking it whenever we like; try as we might.

I have ridden this ride more times than I care to admit and I have to constantly remind myself that I only feel fine because of that pill. That it will only last if I do what my doctor tells me to do. That no matter how many different sites and articles and books and pamphlets I have read, I am not nor will I ever be the doctor and I cannot go willy-nilly with my meds.

So as I write this, I sit looking at my own small bottle of ‘feel fine’ and realize that my ride has become a bit rockier because I haven’t taken my own little pill in XX days/weeks. I need to do better so I can continue to feel fine.

*As an aside, July is National Minority Mental Health Awareness Month. Learn more at www.nami.org/nmmham*