Not In My Cards

I am a mother. Been one for 19 years now. It has been an amazing adventure thus far, but sometimes, there’s this nagging…..this longing I can’t quite put my finger on.

And then it hits me. Sometimes like a brick, other times like a warm sensation.

I do not have a daughter. And I never will. At least not in the traditional, giving birth sense.

(OMG, are we talking about this AGAIN? Where is that brick…..)

I was blessed with three of the most amazing man-childs you could ever meet.

The Freshman in a sense grew up with me, enduring my growing pains as a mother right by my side.

The Clones, well they grew me, us, up again. And fast. They are so……precocious isn’t the right word. They are so….BOY. Simply boy. And if you have a son, you know exactly what I mean. And if you don’t, well you have seen it before so you know too.

So, with a husband and three sons, I am the only lady in the castle. The Queen and the Princess. This can be good and bad, depending on who you ask of course. Some days I love not having a little girl here driving my husband batty with her smile and wants and needs. Other days, I wish she was here, curled up next to me, watching a movie and playing in my Bloomz and purses and shoes.

(You should be happy you don’t have to share, but nooo….)

Its hard when a lot of your friends have daughters and they post about how happy they are to have them. Mommy and me events celebrating the bond that only exists between a mother and daughter. Ughhhhh…..

(But you did have the Mother Son Dance with the Freshman while he was in high school….remember?)

Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my boys. With everything that I am. A daughter would not take away from that. Ever. It would be an addition to it.

(Do you REALLY want another pms’er in the house? In your stuff? With your mouth and Mr. Incredibles’ attitude? o_O)

Maybe I long for what I will never have. (And yes I can say never because I will NEVER give birth again. EVER.) Maybe I want a relationship with a daughter like I have with my mother. Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied. 🙂 (See what I did there? lol) Anyway…..

Occasionally I ‘adopt’ someone else’s daughter, love her like I birthed her, with permission from her parents of course. So I kind of feel like I got me a daughter now. And I do love that girl to death.  She even has my name (score!).

(And how is that going for you? Is she a handful? Yes. Does she make you batty? Yes. But I simply adore her. So shut it, k?)

So maybe my heart will be ok for a while. Or maybe I will always wish for something I will never have.

(Or maybe you will let it go already. Geesh. The Freshman is 19, the clones are almost 8. Your birthing days are over chick. Move on. Nothing to see here.)

Meh, I will get AMAZING daughter-in-laws and a ton of granddaughters… hahahahahahaha

(See, look at you finding the bright spot in all of this. Now, let’s never talk about this again, ok? Ok.)

One Response to Not In My Cards

  1. Kat says:

    I too sometimes have that ache, but not having a real relationship with my Mom makes it worse but also makes me wonder if I wouldn’t be a good girl mom either. My boys keep me moving and on my toes and I wouldn’t trade them for the world 🙂

    xoxo – K

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